When I was 8, I dreamt I’d run to the top of a great hill on an island. The hill looked out over kickball and softball fields. You could see the ocean shore and bungalows off to the right. I could see children playing in the fields and an enormous herd of buffalo running peacefully and solemnly across my view on the hill.
Several years later, when I was 11, I went on a field trip to Catalina Island with my 6th grade class. I nearly drowned one day snorkeling, and I still can’t put my head underwater in pools or the ocean. We learned to dissect a squid and I slept in a small stuccoed bungalow with 12 other girls. I watched the sun come up at dawn one day.
We went on a nature walk and learned about the various smaller animals on the island. We learned about the fish and evolution. When we were done, we were set free to go play.
The other kids and I ran up to the top of a hill toward the playgrounds. As we got to the top of the hill, I remember stopping in my tracks. The other children ran to play kickball and softball and volleyball down on the fields. You could see our bungalows off to the right, and the ocean shore in the distance.
I stood up there for a long time, waiting for the buffalo. They never came. A counselor found me and escorted me down the hill.
It is still the strangest sensation I’ve ever felt.
Had to go to the ER unexpectedly yesterday. I’m past the recovery point for a bad concussion/whiplash I received a month ago and had stopped improving. I’ve been suffering at work with staring into big screens all day, and trying to keep track of so many things has become impossible. I was sending emails to the wrong people. I forget words and names. It’s been infuriatingly frustrating.
As I was driving myself to the hospital, I ran over a huge branch that had flown into the road due to the wind. It got stuck under my car and my brakes couldn’t brake. Somehow I stopped the car and got out and had my first real panic attack. Between my confusion and neck pain and almost getting into a terrible accident, I was just like, crying and screaming in the middle of the street. It was a really scary feeling.
I’m at home now recovering and missing even more work. I’ll be ok, and I’ve been referred to a neurologist. Hopefully we’re moving forward in my recovery again instead of backwards.